My sweet boys. I really do not have the words to express my love for you. Mostly because I’m still in disbelief you are ours. This was the fullest year of my life. Full of love for you, full of emotions, full of taking care of you, full of adjusting to life as a family of five. Fullest in the best sense.
I found that this year was also full of oxymorons (or maybe paradoxes?? where’s my grammar experts!?). Days where I felt like we were totally thriving, and days that felt like we were totally just surviving. Days full of laughter and fun, and days that I was counting down the minutes until bedtime and may have shed a tear or two.
Needless to say, regardless of my emotions, as I’ve been reflecting, I feel like the Lord has started to teach me some amazing things since these boys came into my life. That I simply cannot hold it all together. That try as hard as I might, things will eventually crumble or not meet my unattainable expectations…someone will have a crying fit that I can’t immediately fix, their outfits will never be the perfect ensemble I so magically dreamed up in my head, their nurseries are not going to be immaculately decorated, we don’t have an amazing picture of every adventure we go on, and so on and so on. Having twins sort of forced me to this place of accepting that I need to rely on something bigger than me. That Jesus was a place and space of, “hey it’s ok that you don’t have it all together, you won’t ever, and you don’t need to. I love you and you are an amazing mom.” He gives me what I need and reminds me that it’s okay, and to let go of the super mom/”does it all flawlessly” perception that I’ve secretly had in the back of my head.
To sum it up… He’s shown me that sitting and playing and being with my kids is way more valuable than worrying about what my house looks like. More valuable for my kids AND for me. That my heart matters more than any outward thing. And that is why being a mom is so tough yet also a truly beautiful ( and very blessed!!) road. Because no one pats you on the back for sitting and playing with your kid. Or attacking that huge pile of dishes and making a nice clean area for your family to have meals. But the Lord sees it. And I know he’s so proud when that is what we choose.
I’m going to share some words to describe this first year with them and also each of the boys. Because my eloquence goes
I love you endlessly, my sweet boys!!!
YOUR FIRST YEAR OF LIFE
full of life
tired, confused, emotional
laughter and tears
long nights, short nights
coffee and treats
everywhere and into everything
surviving and thriving
on the move
loves being held
loves to wrestle
lover of food